Be more than a friend. Be an ally.
Trigger Warning: Suicide
It’s Mental Health Awareness Month, so let’s talk about it. I see a lot of posts about breaking stigmas, “Just be kind,” and positive affirmations, etc. which is fine and dandy, but it’s not enough. We should also educate people on what mental health issues look like in real life and how to be allies.
Alex and I were recently with some friends and they suggested watching an episode of a show they loved. They started describing it and we were on board, but then they mentioned a trigger warning:
“A character attempts suicide…”
I’m curious what my face looked like at that moment. Our friends quickly clarified that it turns into a comedic scene so it’s not as bad as we think, but they understood if we were no longer interested. It’s a bit of a blur for me, but I remember saying that Alex would know if I’m not ok and we agreed to go ahead and watch it. Because of their warning, I was mentally prepared for the scene and they were right, it did turn into a laughable moment.
What they didn’t know was that I had suicidal thoughts a few days prior to this and I still hadn’t fully shaken it off yet. When I have a meltdown, a common Autistic experience, I am a danger to myself and I need to be monitored, especially given my history of self-harm and suicidal thoughts. I’ve had more meltdowns than usual lately and after a particularly bad one where Alex could no longer take me yelling (which is completely understandable), he left me alone for just a minute and it was enough time for me to drive away.
Three things:
1) A meltdown is an intense response to an overwhelming situation and it is out of my control. With the help of therapy and medication, I do my best to prevent them, but it can be triggered by anything and once it starts, I can’t stop it. What it looks like for me: bursts of rage, uncontrolled yelling, pulling out my hair, screaming into pillows, hitting the bed, hurting myself, etc. Alex doesn’t intervene and tries to keep me in a safe space until I’ve calmed down (or exhausted myself). Don’t make the mistake of calling it a “tantrum”; it’s actually offensive to call it that to an autistic person. People use tantrums to get something they want whereas meltdowns are a coping mechanism.
2) Seeing suicide in films or in the media is problematic for me because it gives my brain ideas. Apologies if this is a spoiler, but I wish I had a warning for “A Star is Born.” My brain did not need to see that “technique.” The details about celebs’ deaths or graphic depictions in shows are why I threw away the prescription pain killers that I got for an injury and why we made our liquor hard to reach for a while. It’s also why Alex knows I shouldn’t be behind the wheel when I’m like this and I’ll be honest with you, I spent more time than I would’ve liked looking for a ditch.
3) Have you ever actually called the suicide hot line number in the US? The first time I called, they hung up on me because I wasn’t a veteran which jaded me. I had no one else to call this time around, so I tried it again. Don’t expect someone to pick up right away and start talking to you. You go through an automated process to direct your call and wait in a queue. Eventually someone answers and after they hear your situation, they ask some questions. She was kind and suggested small steps to feeling better. The call was about 15 minutes long, but you can use as much time as you need.
You may have read that and thought to yourself that I could’ve called you. It’s been offered to me many times. But my friend, I will not call you and I say that with all sincerity. I know a few people who know how to de-escalate an autistic person who is having a meltdown. I know even fewer people who know how to handle an autistic person who is convinced killing themselves is the only way to escape the pain. Do you think you could actually show me compassion while you face the brunt of my uncontrolled rage and then not judge me the next time you see me? Most people aren’t ready to see me with my mask off and I don’t hold that against you.
If you really want to be an ally that I can call, then do the research. Learn about the struggles of autistic adults and the coping mechanisms we use. Familiarize yourself with the inclusive language and terminology and stop using outdated and offensive language like Asperger's and functioning labels. Strive to make it continuous education. Don’t put the burden on me or other autistic people to teach you the challenges of our existence only when it’s convenient for you.
How will I know you’re an ally? Well, I can tell you that doing a 5K or posting “It’s ok to not be ok” won’t convince me. But if you warn me about possible triggers like our friends did. If you noticed that I shut down during a social event so you help me get out. If you embrace my stimming and don’t dismiss my special interests. If you show me you’re trying to learn even if it makes you uncomfortable. If you’ve made an effort to understand me instead of judging me, then I will know you’re an ally and I will call you when I need one.
Not being mean to me doesn’t make you an ally.
Do the work.
